Vegan French Toast, or How I Managed to Stay Hungry Three Saturday Mornings in A Row

I have found my own personal white whale in life and it is vegan French toast. A few weeks ago, I began my quest to make the perfect non-animal French toast. It quickly became a quest to make edible non-animal French toast. Now I’d be happy if I could actually make it without having to chew through grease-proof paper.

It all started when I found some recipes for vegan French toast online. It required egg replacer mixed with soy milk as the batter. So I made it and it was great! … As glue. The bloody toast stuck to my allegedly non-stick fry-pan. I even tried it in another fry-pan with heaps of oil. I had to tear the bread to get it unstuck. Attempt 1: utter failure.

The next weekend (French toast being a weekend thing, after all) I thought I’d try blending tofu with soy milk and using that as the batter. Who knew that tofu could make almost as good a glue as egg replacer? So I spent the morning scraping tofu-ey bread off fry-pans again. Attempt 2: more failure.

This week I figured I’d try the tofu-soy milk concoction again, but bake them on greaseproof paper in the oven, instead. I even coated the greaseproof paper with spray oil just to make sure nothing could possibly stick to it. Nothing except tofu/soy milk French toast, of course. Attempt 3: this is getting beyond a bloody joke.

How could there be so many vegan French toast recipes out there and not a single one creates French toast that you can actually eat? Is it a huge online conspiracy? People are responding to these recipes saying “I made this and it was great!” What the fuck magic cookware are these people using? Why has no one else replied with, “Might be fine if I could ever scrape it off the Teflon to find out. I am seriously considering using this recipe to fix shattered porcelain instead.”

So next week, I’m going to try another method. I’m going to coat my bread one side at a time and grill it. That way it couldn’t possibly stick to anything. Could it?

Anyone with a good recipe, please contact the writer:  charlottesteggs@harlotssauce.com

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