The Creepy Invasion of My Privacy…of the Evangelical Kind *Shudder*

A few years ago, I began writing a set of instructions for my funeral. I know- morbid – but I was thinking of it as a way to ensure that, should I go before my parents, I’d at least get the non-religious send-off that I want.   And being a writer, with an often out-of-control imagination, and always looking for an excuse to write something, I took it upon myself to jot down this short document, entitled, “When I Die:”

July 28, 2004

To Whom it May Concern:

When I die, I have some very simple requests. I do not want a church service. As I do not believe in a god, that would be hypocritical. I do not want any prayers uttered over me or my ashes. I do not believein them and I WILL NOT appreciate them from the netherworld.

Any prayers chosen to be said over me are to be silent. I wish to be cremated, and I wish my ashes to be scattered wherever orca whales live – preferably in the waters off of Kaikoura, New Zealand, where, hopefully they can do a general mingle with my husband’s ashes which should be scattered on the mountains in Kaikoura – alternate scattering could be in the San Juan Islands off the west coast of the United States and Canada – so that my ashes may float with the assorted dolphins and whales and other sea life.

I would like a big party thrown at my funeral – no requiems, no hymns – just loud, raucous party music. I would like people to eat good food, drink lots and dance wildly. I will not change my mind. When I die,this is what I want. If these wishes are not followed, I will haunt whoever is responsible for the rest of their days. I authorize Steven, my husband and soul mate, to carry my wishes out. If, for some reason, he is not available, I authorize one or any of my best friends, __________(listed by name) to be entrusted with my requests.

Oh yeah – and I want NO EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES to prolong my life taken in the event that I am seriously mentally incapacitated. That means, PULL THE PLUG after giving people a chance to say goodbye. This authority SOLELY rests with my husband, or if he’s not available, one or any combination of the women mentioned above.

Sincerely,

Natasha J. Stillman

I saved it on my laptop, in “Miscellaneous” which is the file I put things in I’d like to get back to at some point, and forgot about it. But a couple of hours ago, I remembered that I wrote the “When I Die” document and thought of something I’d wanted to add.  I went back into my files, found it,  reread the thing I wrote, and when I got to the bottom, I froze

To Natasha

I have read your Will and I really feel sorry for you that you did not believe in GOD. Please Natasha have some reverence to HIM and you will get anything you want in this world which belongs to HIM. …..Please Natasha have some time to read the Bible and you will see the great things GOD have in store for you and He is waiting for you to open the door for HIM to give you your priceless presents HE had already prepared for you even before you was born….
May GOD richly have bless you Natasha……
I will also pray for you..
Thks….

Yes- somehow a STRANGER obtained access to my computer, went through my files, saw the title of this document and decided to read it.   Not only did he read it, he left his own reply.

After reading his reply, ( and not being ‘saved’ by it, by the way) I sat there for a moment, tried to figure out when the hell this could have happened. Then I looked at the date of the letter my ‘mystery evangelical’ left on his letter – May 12th, 2006.

Uh huh. That was when my laptop screen died and I had to take it in to get it fixed. The nearby computer shop is  run by a surly Indian guy who kept the laptop for a week. I had to give them my password to open windows, so they could do the repairs. Apparently one of the people who worked on my computer wrote the letter.

And the best part? He left his bloody name and number! You know…just in case I would like him to convert me after he’s left unsolicited and unwelcome comments in one of my documents.

I’m totally freaked out.

Ugh!

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