Twenty-Five Clues the Man of Your Dreams Will Become the Man Your Children Only See on Weekends

by Patricia V. Davis

Photo Still: Actor Jon Hamm as 'Don Draper'

Are you engaged to be married, but no one in your circle seems as rapturous about it as you are? Is it possible that they see something to which your infatuation might ─ just might ─ have blinded you?

Well, once again, I, your Expert in Failed Relationships is here to help. The following are two dozen and one indicators that might be too subtle for a woman in love to pick up. Each one is almost a guarantee that you and your perfect love will end up in divorce court. (And please don’t ask me how I know):

  1. If he has a neck tattoo he got in prison…
  2. If he always calls your private parts by a four-letter word…
  3. If he’s already complaining about your family…
  4. If he lies to his friends about the fact that you’re a year older than he is…
  5. If his religious rituals are too complex for you to understand…
  6. If he owns designer socks and ties in seven shades of blue, and insists they must match exactly whenever he dresses, even though they all look the same to you…
  7. If, even when just out for a casual car ride, he swears at other drivers…
  8. If he reports to you that his friends are upset about something you said or did…
  9. If he cheated on someone to go out with you…

10.   If he drinks lemonade when he’s paying and single malt scotch when he’s not…

11.  If he forgets the name of your child from your previous marriage…

12.  If he asks you to sign a pre-nup, but you’re the one who waitressed tables to put him through medical school…

13.  If his first sexual encounter was with a prostitute that an older male family member ‘treated’ him to on his fourteenth birthday…

14.   If he laughs when someone compliments your outfit…

15.   If he thinks homosexuality is “learned”…

16.   If he refuses to run out and buy you emergency tampons…

17.   If female airline pilots make him “nervous”…

18.   If, at your engagement party, he whispers to your sister that he wonders what would have happened if he had met her first…

19.   If you find fetish magazines he’s hidden under the laundry hamper in the bathroom…

20.   If he snorts when you voice your political views…

21.   If you cook his favorite dish as a surprise and his response is that it’s not the way his mother makes it…

22.  If he complains it takes you too long to reach orgasm…

23.  If he knows the difference between your salary and his to the penny, and he makes a lot more or a lot less than you do…

24.  If he mentions that if he were gay, he’d sleep with your best friend’s husband…

25. If he has a neck tattoo he got in prison.

Last 5 posts by Patricia V. Davis