A Memo from Satan


FROM: Satan
TO: Minions
RE: The United States of America, Planet Earth

It looks like we’re finally making some real progress in the United States of America. Naturally, as your Supreme Leader, I take credit for the brilliant idea. But it was our diligent force of minions working tirelessly there, who carried out My plan so well. Indeed, using the Christians against themselves, without even one of them suspecting our ultimate goal, was a group effort of pure genius. So, I’m going to extend cautious congratulations to My force of followers who are working there.

You’ve done an excellent job – on the one hand you’ve calmed the suspicions of those annoying Americans who ever diligently fight for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, by not interfering in the citizens’ decision to vote in an African-American to the presidency. By allowing them the celebration of that one historical triumph against racism, they won’t be as upset, or nearly as suspicious, about what we’ve managed to pull off right under their noses.

But we mustn’t rest on our laurels. The Constitution in this particular country was so intelligently designed, that, though we’ve managed to drill some holes in it, it’s still holding up. The fact that it had “separation of church and state” as one of its major clauses has been problematic for us for more than two centuries. For the last 232 years, The United States has been the one of the few spots on earth where every religious denomination has lived peacefully side by side. A synagogue could be built as easily as a church, a mosque never attacked, because the law of the land was that all citizens of all the separate religions were allowed to worship their individual gods in any way they saw fit, with no interference from the government! And, in upholding that part of the Constitution, the government was not permitted to limit any citizen‘s civil rights based on their religious beliefs. People, all people, could enjoy their religious preferences and worship in peace and harmony!

It was disgusting, and very, very frustrating for Me. Those who’ve been with Me through the centuries can attest to the fact that our mission is most successful when a country‘s government is of a specific, ruling religion, and that ruling religion takes action against other minor religions that try to exist in the same area.

Oh, the bloodshed I enjoy when people try to rise up against religious discrimination, when one religion despises another! No other type of war we’ve created on earth has created more slaughter, more sin, than a religious war. But even those who are new to the forces of evil, can see how well we’ve done in the Middle East (re: Earth) All that human blood sacrificed in the names of all the different gods’ advances our cause greatly. It weakens the good will in men, makes them believe they are superior to one another, and ultimately brings down the very gods those men and women claim to worship. What a perfect scheme has religious war been for us! But with a government that protects all denominations, our work in the U.S. had not been easy.

Until we infiltrated the Mormon church and beguiled the Catholics and other Christian denominations into thinking that the Mormons want to work in harmony with them.

That one really made Me chuckle.

Because, thanks to My work done centuries ago, we’ve already convinced the Mormons that they are the only ones going to heaven. They truly believe they are the only chosen, therefore they won’t be in harmony with the other Christian denominations for very long, that’s for sure, because all the other denominations feel exactly the same. Their smug religious superiority will crack their veneer of righteousness. But now that they’ve come together this once and have been able to obtain the votes of so many denominations to pass the country’s first religious law, we here in Hell have finally witnessed that the United States’ Constitution is no longer impervious to current popular belief. Civil liberties are up for sale to those who can obtain the most votes. We have proven that with the passage of this new law.

This is enormous for our cause.

And relatively soon, maybe in five years, maybe in ten, if the Christians continue to believe they have upheld their religion freedoms by passing a religious law (don’t you love the irony?) the Mormons will start thinking about additional religious laws they’d like to have passed. And why shouldn’t they, since this foray into political control was so successful?

Once that happens, with luck, timing and some clever minions in the right churches, (which reminds Me–I thought we fired Ted Haggart? Oh, well — I’ll save that for another memo) some of those laws the Mormons will want enacted will anger some of the other religious denominations.

Like the Jews. They’ve proven volatile enough to get riled very quickly. If we get the right people in with the Mormons and some real troublemakers in with the Jews, there will be a religious uprising of one religious group against another in the United States, just as we’ve been able to create religious uprisings in other countries, as fast as you can say “JOSEPH-VEE-ESS-ABRAHAM.”

And all because we were able to convince Mormons, who were at one time in the past, as ostracized as gays are today, that gay marriage was threat to them.

I’m still laughing.

And the best part about this? None of the religious groups have any clue that they’ve helped to destroy their own religious freedom in the United States, one of the few places on earth where they were free to worship as equals. In fact, they’re so blinded to it, that even if they found this memo, they’d have no idea what in Hell I was talking about.

Congratulations, My most worshipful, hardworking minions. If you pull this off in Australia next, I think a bonus will be in order.



Last 5 posts by Patricia Volonakis Davis

Last 5 posts by Patricia Volonakis Davis