How to Tell if You’re in Menopause

For many women, the cessation of the monthly flow is often not enough to tell for sure whether they’ve reached that “time of life” or not. That’s why I, using the knowledge I’ve gained from obtaining my DFR (Doctorate in Failed Relationships), have provided you with this scientific checklist.

You will know you are in menopause if:

1) That ‘monthly bloating’ you get around your tummy lasts for two consecutive years or more, and is now additionally spreading to your hips and thighs.

2) You wake up one morning, glance in the mirror, and notice that the skin on your face has shifted so drastically, it appears as though you’ve had a stroke, although you can still smile. (Except that you don’t want to.)

3) One day, out of the blue, you look at your husband and grown children and wonder, Who are these people sitting around my table, and why did I get off Facebook to cook for them?”

4) The actual mechanics of sex suddenly seem as ludicrous to you now as they did when you first heard about them on the playground when you were nine years old.


You think about having sex all the time, except that the people you think about having it with were all born after 1985.

5) You say, “The hell with it,” get the names of all your grandchildren tattooed on your (sagging) backside, and buy a motorcycle.

by ‘Dr’. Patricia V. Davis


Last 5 posts by Patricia Volonakis Davis

Last 5 posts by Patricia Volonakis Davis