Swine Flu – Preparedness – Are YOU Ready?

Swine Flu Victims

Swine Flu Victims

Swine flu – it’s all the papers and the radio are full of at the moment. Apparently our government is ‘fully prepared’ for the outbreak, which as anyone who has lived here for any length of time can tell you, is government speak for, “We’re completely f*cked”. Since apparently most people in the world are going to die from pig flu, because unlike bird flu, you don’t actually have to sleep with a chicken over a prolonged period in order to catch it, I thought I’d better be ready for whatever might happen. So, I sat down to watch the very informative documentary on this subject, 28 Days Later. Although that appeared to be a monkey virus, I’m quite sure that the basic principle is the same, and I am utterly disgusted that the government has not highlighted the upcoming problem of zombies taking over our streets with the same ‘hog enthusiasm’ they have this other virus.

Now I realise that zombies are possibly less destructive and more sociable than most British teenagers, but I still think a little warning might not have gone amiss. Since the government are merely going to post us all a leaflet telling us how not to catch flu, and avoid the issue of a zombie invasion altogether, I thought I’d make my own plans:

• I am converting the cupboard under the stairs into a hiding place. I have begun tunnelling into the foundations of the house to make a bigger space, as it was a bit cramped with me, the other half, and the dog in there, as well as the 3000 tins of baked beans, a storage tank of water, and 2000 bars of soap. (There’s no need to let hygiene standards slip merely because we are having a crisis.) On reflection, the beans might not have been the wisest food choice, given the size of our new accommodation, but they perhaps might have the added bonus of discouraging curious zombies from investigating the cupboard.

• I have bought 52 packs of barbecue kebab sticks, and am sharpening them with my pencil sharpener. Everyone knows that zombies cannot survive a wooden stake through the heart. (Or is that vampires?) Either way, I think my kebab sticks will prove an efficient, yet cost-effective way of dealing with any intruders. I originally purchased a sling-shot for firing at them, but in these days of rising obesity, I’m not convinced that a slingshot wound will hit any vital undead organs, so I’ve been scouring Ebay for a second-hand harpoon, which I will customise to fire the sticks. I may buy an additional harpoon that can fire washing-line props for the really morbidly obese zombie.

• I am training the dog to attack anyone who looks a bit ‘undead’. So far, he has attacked two drunks, the man across the road who works night shifts, and a bramble bush, but I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it eventually.

As you can see, I’m well-prepared for the coming apocalypse, without the government’s or the media’s help. Not sure what I’m going to do with 3000 tins of economy brand beans, but a harpoon that fires kebab sticks will always be useful against the sensationalist press if all their coverage comes to nothing, and the dead do not rise up and attack.

Last 5 posts by Vicola England

Last 5 posts by Vicola England