The Mommy Trenches: God Smote My Child’s Personality to Punish Me (At Least, I Think So)

Before I start writing here, I’d like to issue a few disclaimers:

1. I know that ADD is real and I’m not making light of it, even if it sounds like it.
2. I love my daughter, more than anything or anyone else in the world. She’s everything to me.
3. I’m not a bad mom, damn it. I just feel like one sometimes.
4. I am using “mom” interchangeably with “dad.”

Being a mom is a thankless job. I mean, there are no monetary rewards, nor is there praise. There are moments in just about every single day that I feel like a failure. And TRUST ME on this, Asians HATE to fail. It’s hard to write this out and actually admit to myself and to the world that I’m NOT a perfect mom and that my child isn’t perfect, but I’ll say it. I know it’s hard to believe, but my daughter and I aren’t perfect. But it seems like so many parents either think their child’s perfect, or they’re in denial about it.

In my limited experience of being a mom, I’ve found that motherhood seems to be some kind of competition. Seems that most of the time I can’t say anything about my daughter, because people think it’s some sort of cue to start bragging about their kids. Look ─ when I’m asking a question, it’s because I’m generally curious. I’m not judging you or your kid, nor am I trying to boast or anything like that. I AM JUST A CURIOUS PERSON. And I’m certainly not trying to say my daughter is ‘better’ than your child.

So, STOP BRAGGING. Believe me ─ your kid’s not as smart or gorgeous as you think s/he is. Only YOU think so. I know this, because I know that my kid isn’t as smart or gorgeous as I think she is. I’m under no illusions. My daughter is cute, but she’s not going to be as cute to others as she is to me. And no one will ever love her as much as I do.

I just don’t get why some moms seem to honestly believe that their child is not only model-material, but some kind of genius to boot.

As much as it sounds like I’m criticizing moms, that’s really not my point.

If anything, I’d just like to say to all moms of the world: WE’RE ON THE SAME SIDE! Why are we against each other? We should be helping each other out. And supporting each other. Working moms, we stay- at-home moms aren’t stupid. For the most part, we’re choosing to stay home with our children. And you know what? I salute you for being able to balance your home and work life, because I know I wouldn’t be very good at it.

And SAHMs? Those working moms love their kids every bit as much as we do. We are all just trying to get by, day to day. When my daughter was an infant, I felt the divide a lot more than I do now, and that’s probably because I care a lot less about what people think of me now. But when I was first a SAHM, I definitely felt the judgments of the working moms and many professional dads, as well. But now, I just want to say that no mom is better than another. (Unless you’re a crack whore, in which case I’d like to say that you’re a TERRIBLE mom. Give up your kid, and get help, seriously.) And we really do need to stick together.

There need to be more REAL moms. Moms who can admit that they feel like failures. And that all they want to do is curl up into a ball and put a pillow over their face to drown out the sounds of their own kid’s voice. Or that your kid’s morning breath is so bad that it makes your toes curl. Or, maybe that sometimes the sound of a baby crying doesn’t bring out the maternal side, okay? Sometimes the sound of a newborn crying makes you feel homicidal. Don’t judge me for it, and I won’t judge YOU.

We’re all in this together. And as weak as it makes me sound, I need the support of other moms. I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t really have too many close friends who have kids. I have a few, but they don’t live near me. And others are just Too. Damn. Busy. to talk to. But, I firmly believe that moms need other moms.

Moving on, why is it that when my daughter and I are all alone, she is an angel? I’m sure you don’t believe me, since I have NO PROOF. Add one more person to the mix (doesn’t matter who) and she just turns into a FREAKING CRAZY PERSON. So now I’m wondering if she has ADD or ADHD. Okay so, a few years back, I may have laughed about it and said that it’s not a real ‘thing’. And I might’ve possibly made a mention about how no one had ADD “back in my day” and that “people are crazy if they think it’s real”… but you know, I was kidding! (Kind of…) Well, apparently, I’m being punished for saying that, because she is already beginning to exhibit symptoms of it. GOD SMOTE MY CHILD WITH ADD! Hey, anything can happen, right?

She is just totally nuts! I mean, my husband and I were both really quiet children, so I kind of assumed that I would have a quiet child. But I have the exact opposite. She NEVER, EVER stops talking. She talks to our pet rabbit, her books, her stuffed animals, when she’s cleaning up her room, when she’s going to the restroom… She even talks to put herself to sleep. She also loves to be naughty (while Steve and I were rule-followers) and she is just LOUD AS ALL HELL. Not that I was a wunderkind, but I did as I was told. If my parents told me something once, I did it.

Sometimes I get mad at her because she is so different. I don’t do well with other personalities (as I’m finding out now) and she just… marches to a beat of a different drummer. A completely crazy different drummer, apparently.

Please don’t misunderstand me. While sometimes it can be frustrating, I love my daughter. With all my heart. I love her creativity and her intelligence, her sense of humor, and her contagious laugh. She’s beautiful, sweet and doesn’t have a malicious streak in her body. She’s just so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. She’s just… uhm… shall we say, special? Hehe.

But with all of her wonderful traits, she also just frustrates me to no end. I just want her to grow up to be a productive member of society. I don’t care if she doesn’t become a doctor, lawyer or a dentist (you know, the favorite job choices of my brood- the Koreans). I just want her to be healthy and happy and kind. I want her to respect herself and others and not be a mooch… or a JERK. Oh, LAWD, I really don’t want her to be a jerk. I want her to grow up to be an adult who takes accountability and responsibility for her actions. And I try DAILY to instill these traits in her.

Everyone says that you need to pick your battles, but to me, EVERY battle is worth fighting. Maybe it’s because I’m a control freak, maybe it’s because I HATE losing to a 3-year old, or maybe it’s because I already know she’s going to be taller than me and I NEED TO PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO HER NOW; but everything’s a battle. Even about trivial BS. And it’s burning me out. I find that almost every little thing annoys me, not just with Mia, but in pretty much every aspect of my life.

So in conclusion… well, I don’t know. There is no conclusion. The only conclusion I can come up with is that I guess we’ll see in twenty or thirty years. We’ll see what kind of person my daughter turns out to be. And I do know that I will love her and be proud of her, regardless. And I can only hope that after all I put her through, she will love me and be proud of me, too.

Last 5 posts by Grace Bon

Last 5 posts by Grace Bon