Advice from an "Expert in Failed Relationships"

Text, Love, and Marriage

Dear EFR:

I’ve been with my husband for nine years. He lost his job and took one as a security guard out of town for one month. Five months later, I picked up his phone one day and saw a text from someone saying, “Hi love, how are you?”

Then I found two photos of an ugly redheaded woman saved on his cell phone. I took his phone and messaged this girl, pretending to be my husband. At one point she asked if this was really him. I said it was. I told the girl that ‘my wife’ found her message and wants a divorce, and that I didn’t know what to tell her. Her advice was, “Well she’s p*ssed off already, so tell her everything or tell her nothing. It’s up to you. Why didn’t you delete my sh*t, did you want to get caught?”

I confronted my husband and asked him who this woman was. He told me he met her while doing that security job, but that they were just friends. My husband denied sleeping with her, but in later conversations I was having with this girl while she was still thinking I was my husband, she sure knew enough about me, the wife. My husband is usually a quiet, closed person, and I can’t believe he didn’t sleep with her, with the knowledge she has about me. But my husband says she’s just a drunk and he won’t talk about it anymore.

For the last two years of our marriage, I haven’t paid much attention to him, due to working on growing my own business. I know that’s not an excuse, but I think he slept with her, and don’t know how to get the truth from him. Now he is all lovey-dovey and wants our marriage to work.
How should I handle this?

Signed,

Security Guard Impersonator

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Shallow Hallie

Dear EFR:

I am a 36-year-old woman who has never married, because I could never seem to find a man who was up to my standards. By that I mean I exercise daily, am in great shape and — not to brag — am very beautiful. I recently started dating a man who measures up to all of that — he seemed my ideal physically, actually, until we had sex for the first time. It was then that I saw he has what looks like a third nipple, right next to his real left nipple. I have to say I was horrified. I can’t help it— it really grossed me out. We did have sex, because I didn’t want to be rude, but needless to say, I didn’t really enjoy it. He was good at it and all, in fact, he was really very sweet, but my mind mostly was focused on that third nipple looming over me. Now he wants to know why I keep making excuses not to see him, and I don’t know what to tell him. As I said, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?

Signed,

No Nipple Nookie

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