Poopy-Pants - Just Another Day in The Mommy Trenches

by Grace Bon

The other day we went to pick my niece up from pre-school. I waited in the car with my daughter while my cousin ran out to the classroom to get her daughter. It was just a normal afternoon.

Or so I thought.

I happened to look around and noticed a boy in a red shirt running around behind a tree. Then I see him pull his pants down. I’m sitting in my car with my mouth open thinking to myself, “Oh my… there’s no way he’s going to pee behind the tree right now!”
And I was right… He didn’t. He turned around, squatted and proceeded to … take a dump.

Did you read that? — HE SQUATTED AND TOOK A DUMP BEHIND A TREE.

Seriously, that blew my mind. I mean, that is the grossest thing I’d ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen some gross things. I couldn’t believe that this kid thought that was normal! Who does that? And why would he ever think that was okay? Do you think I’m overreacting over here?

No, I didn’t think so. And, it gets grosser. I know, you are totally wanting to hear about this, so here you go — he gets up and there’s poop hanging from his butt. It’s like a foot long. And then, a big part breaks off, but there’s still a ball of turd stuck there, and he’s kind of struggling with his pants and then he puts his pants on.. Right over the ball of turd!
I swear to you, I literally screamed in my car, “WHAT IS GOING ON?! Is this really happening?”

My daughter is, of course, intrigued, but she can’t see what’s going on, so while I’m yelling, she’s yelling, “What’s going on? I can’t see what’s happening!”

I’m glad there weren’t many people around, because we must’ve seemed pretty crazy at this point with both of us screaming in a parked car. Finally, I turn around and I tell her, “A boy pooped outside and that is just so wrong!”

By this time, my cousin has come back with her daughter, and I can barely spit out what happened. She gets wide-eyed, and we just don’t know what to do. There’s no school supervision at the park (even though it’s on school grounds) so we don’t really know who to talk to. While my cousin runs back to the school to see if there’s someone she can talk to about this, I start watching Poopy-Pants to see if he walks over to an adult. Eventually he runs over to a woman sitting on the grass and interacts with her a bit, before he runs off to play, so I figure they’re together. When my cousin returns, I go over to the woman Poopy-Pants had been talking to and as nicely as I could, I pointed to the boy and asked, “Excuse me — Is that boy with you?”

Right away, she replies, “Yes… did he do something wrong?”

“You could say that. He went around behind that tree and pooped back there.”

The woman actually jumped from her seat and said, “Did he really? That Is not okay! Oh my gosh, I’m going to talk to him right now, and then I’ll get that cleaned up. Oh and actually….he’s not my son. I’m just watching him today.”

She was so embarrassed that she even had to add that the kid wasn’t hers. I would’ve done the same thing. Maybe I would’ve said the same thing even if it was my kid. I mean, who wants to be the mom of Poopy-Pants, right?

On what planet would anyone think it was okay to just poop and pee where he liked?! Maybe he’s a little alien from distant Planet Pooptron* where this is normal behavior. But where I’m from, YOU DON’T JUST POOP WHEREVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

Oh, and I forgot to mention this little detail —this kid wasn’t a ‘little’ kid. My cousin didn’t recognize him from her daughter’s class, so either he was a really big kindergartner or he’s in at least second grade.

Gah! —people are so disgusting! I mean, I get pissed off when people don’t pick up after their dogs, but this is a hundred times worse because he should know better! There’s no reason whatsoever for anyone to poop behind a tree.

EVER.

*I stole the name of the planet from the TV show Wow Wow Wubbzy. Thanks, writers!