Advice from an "Expert in Failed Relationships"

Relationship Advice

Not a Piece of ‘Meet’

Dear EFR:

I have been married for five years, and during that time my sex life has just been a misery. My husband cannot get interested in me unless I allow him to get ‘creative.’ As a result, I’ve had to endure what I consider some of the most perverted things. Here are just a few examples:

[Editor’s note: a portion of this note has been deleted]

I give you these examples not to gross you out, but to ask you if I have a legitimate gripe or if there is something sexually wrong with me. My husband doesn’t understand why I cringe at some of this stuff. He tells me that other women would be so appreciative of the fact that he is “great in bed”, and that all he wants is for us to keep our sex life exciting and alive. In the meantime, I dread going to bed at night.

Signed,

Married to the King of Porn

*** ***

Dear MTTKOP:

According to WebMD, a healthy sexual relationship consists of the following:

Both partners feel equally pleased with the activities.
Neither partner feels forced into doing something they don’t want to do.
Both feel comfortable to say “no” to sex at any time, for any reason.
Mutual respect before, during and after sex.
Neither party suffers a loss of self-esteem.
Trust exists.

Clearly, several of the elements above are missing from your sexual relationship with your husband. I imagine that your husband is correct that there are women ‘out there’ who would find his bedroom performance art titillating. And then there are those of us for whom ‘every-night-is-porn-night’ sex would not only be boring, but sad.

While the acts you describe in your letter (edited a bit, since this is a General Audience mag) may seem incredibly intimate, in my opinion (and you did ask) in a truly giving and mutually-rewarding sexual relationship, they are fare that should be offered up to and by your partner as something outside the norm of your relationship; like say, during a Vegas weekend ─ maybe fun, daring, sexually stimulating, but only if they are mutually agreed upon by both parties involved.

Listen, I love chocolate, but I couldn’t eat it at every meal, and I certainly wouldn’t want a partner telling me that if I didn’t want to, then there’s something wrong with me. Nor would I allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed into eating myself sick because my lover lets me know on a regular basis how many other people would long to have a partner who…feeds them chocolate three times a day.

You only asked for validation of your feelings, which I hope I gave to you, not whether or not you should stay in this relationship, so I’ll stop here. But it does seem to me that you and your partner are long overdue for a meeting of your minds instead of just your bodies.

________________

Not What Sly Meant by ‘A Family Affair’

Dear EFR:

Recently my younger brother came to me, heartbroken, because he suspects his wife is having an affair. He’s asking for my advice in confidence, because he says he’s always looked up to me. I feel awful about this, since I do know that his wife is cheating ─ with me. It sounds terrible, I know, but we love each other.

What should I do?

Signed,

Big Brother in Big Trouble

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Dear BB:

Do you really want my advice, or did you just write in to brag about how you and your sister-in-law are cuckolding your brother? You say he’s “heartbroken” and “looks up to you”, so why are you two doing this to someone who’s offered you both nothing but his love and respect? Oh, yeah ─ I forgot ─ you “love each other.” So this is a love story, then, making it an excuse for your passive-aggressive, sleazy behavior, right?

Alright then, here’s my advice ─ you two keep doing what you’re doing ─ screwing each other behind your brother’s back, keeping it a secret from him, while calling it ‘love’, and writing into advice columnists about it. Sooner or later, he’ll cotton on to what you’re doing, and be mentally and physically crushed by it; which is exactly what you and your lover are hoping will happen.

Yuck. Excuse me ─ I think I need to go take a shower now.

_____________________________________________________

“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”
— C.S. Lewis

Do you have a question for me about failed (or failing) relationships? I’m happy to read your questions and answer them in this column. Keep in mind that I’m a writer and licensed teacher, but not a therapist or a lawyer. The only letters I have after my last name are PMD, which stand for Post Menopausal Disorder! However, I do consult experts to answer my letters when necessary. Leave your questions in the comment box below, or e-mail editors@harlotssauce.com and put “advice column” in subject line. For more information about me, visit www.patriciaVdavis.com

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