Wills and Kate Tat for Sale

by Vicola England

In case you’ve been stuck in a cave, I shall enlighten you about a little-talked about fact from the UK – Prince William and his girlfriend Kate are now engaged. It’s wall to wall coverage. Every ruddy channel and radio station is talking about it. Prize for the most pointless bit of journalism must go to Sky News who sent a reporter all the way to Kenya to stand in the dark in front of some trees, and talk about royal engagements, and that’s because Kenya is where William proposed a month or so ago. I bet their roving reporter is grateful he didn’t pop the question in a public convenience in Piccadilly Gardens or she’d be spending the next week sniffing in bleach, piss, and tramps. Tell me ─ why do we need her to report from Kenya? I’ve seen David Attenborough programmes, I know what African Plains look like. And it’s not like someone has put up a plaque. Yet.

Yesterday the newly engaged couple did an interview, and I couldn’t help but wonder what they’ve done to Miss Middleton. The last time I heard her speak, which admittedly was a while ago, she sounded a bit posh, but reasonably bright. Gone are those days. She now has an accent you could use to cut through steel, and her intelligent comments have been replaced with a sort of disturbing doe-eyed simpering. I’m wondering if the Royal Household has given the poor girl a transfrontal lobotomy of some sort. “It’s all rather daunting but I’m just looking forward to spending all my time with William” she gushed.

Pull the other one Kate, you’ve been with him for seven years, and unless you’re completely different to all the intelligent girls I know, you are well aware that if you spent “all your time with William”, you’d want to kill him slowly and painfully in less than a month. It’s a fact of life. Sadly, it seems that to be a royal woman you have to put all thoughts of a personality, job, or spirit behind you and concentrate on looking pretty and not doing anything controversial.

And I, for one, was quite surprised that he’d chosen to give her his mother’s engagement ring. I mean it’s a nice thought and all, but really, does Princess Diana’s engagement ring say “long and happy marriage” as much as it says, “Miserable existence where he lusts after someone else, so you bang other people to bolster your self-esteem and ultimately die in a tunnel in Paris with your lover”. Personally I’d have rather had a nice diamond or something. Or a horse. Nothing says ‘let’s get married’ like a new horse. If you’re posh, anyway. Or at least that’s what happens in Poshworld in my head, this may bear no relationship whatsoever to reality.

So far the collection of commemorative tat has been rather disappointing. It’s been 24 hours, I was expecting some truly marvellous concoctions to have emerged by now but no, so far we just have the Asda mug. I’m thinking that most manufacturers are going to go down the dull, tried and tested route of mugs and plates that you bung in a cupboard to gather dust until your grandkids drag it out and laugh at you. This leaves a gap in the market for alternative wedding-related crap, and we need a broader range of useful tat. Therefore, I present to you:

The Vicola Range of Royal Wedding Household Crap:

  • Wills and Kate loo roll, available with a variety of photos on it, in aloe vera, quilted, double quilted and, for the less affluent tat hunter ‘cheapshit that scrapes the skin off your arse and disintegrates as you use it’.
  • The Wills and Kate cake spatula, shaped like either a grinning Will or a grinning Kate – who hasn’t wanted to remove Victoria Sponge mix off the inside of a bowl using the flat side of the heir to the throne?
  • The Wills and Kate plastic tablecloth – covered with a variety of pastel-coloured scenes from the cheaper tabloids, ideal for children’s parties, because the little sods always tip ice cream and Coca Cola all over your table. Doubles up as a plastic undersheet if you happen to have a household member who wets the bed.
  • The Wills and Kate Wheelbarrow – Hand painted by people who can’t really draw but who we met in the pub and agreed to employ, complete with a plastic Wills glued to one handle and a plastic Kate to the other. Now you too can pretend you’re at Balmoral by wheeling the bag of horseshit you bought for the roses from one side of the garden to the other in a truly royal contraption. (We take no responsibility for any injuries received if the wheels fall off.)
  • Truly the jewel in any commemorative tat crown, the Wills and Kate 1kg bag of tiling grout. Available in black and grey.

Hurry, hurry, people ─ these items are going to literally rocket out of my shed, so you need to get your order in early. And if anyone else has any great ideas for practical commemorative tat, now is the time to share them. I’m predicting an entrepreneurial boon here.

Last 5 posts by Vicola England